


The Real Connor

by QueenBoudicatheGreat



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Evan Hansen & Connor Murphy Were Friends Before Canon Events, And they dated for a bit, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, In this house we validate Zoe Murphy and her feelings, Past Suicide, Wakes & Funerals, Zoe is mad at Connor, mentions of abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-24
Updated: 2018-05-24
Packaged: 2019-05-13 10:02:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14746742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenBoudicatheGreat/pseuds/QueenBoudicatheGreat
Summary: Evan is at Connor's funeral, hiding from Connor's family and everyone else who only want to talk about the idealized Connor they have in their minds. Zoe finds him and they have a heart-to-heart about they boy they both had very strong feelings towards.





	The Real Connor

“What what are you doing in here?” 

Evan flinches at the cold, warry tone. Going to Connor's wake had been… a lot. Apparently the Murphys were embracing their Irish heritage and the whole thing had been one big party where people Evan knew for a fact Connor would never recognize jokes together and reminisced on what an amazing guy Connor was. It was somehow worse that the tense, awkward silence Evan had been expecting. At least the silence would have been genuine. 

And so he had ducked out. He was tired about hearing how Connor was such a sweet, smart boy. He was tired of people ruefully saying how much they'd miss Connor. He was tired of playing the role of Connor’s  _ really close friend _ . He was tired of pretending like rehashing the same dozen or so memories that painted Connor like the perfect son. He knew he wouldn't be missed. 

Or so he had thought, he frowned, looking up at Zoe Murphy. She looked suspicious, with her eyes narrowed under her furrowed brow. Evan understood. The Murphys hadn't even known he existed until Connor's note, and here he was, crying like a baby in an unused parlor while they had to buck up and smile. He wouldn't trust himself either. 

“Same thing as you, I'd imagine,” Evan said, resting his chin on his knees. He gave her what he hoped was a kind smile, but his chest felt hollow looking at her. She looked so much like Connor. It was a fact Evan knew they both hated, but it was a fact nonetheless. Evan remembered having a crush on Zoe, and had to bit his lip to keep back a snort. The world worked in mysterious ways. 

“I'm here because I didn't feel like listening to people lie about what a great guy Connor was,” Zoe said bitterly, still scowling at Evan like she thought he'd disagree. 

“Me too.”

That was apparently not the answer Zoe was expecting, seeing as she dropped her scowl to raise her eyebrow. Connor also had that skill and Evan was always jealous of it. “You mean you don't want to brag about how awesome your boyfriend was one last time?”

“Not like that, I don't.” At Zoe's curious look, he continued. “Connor was great, don't get me wrong. He was probably the best thing in my life the past year. But he had a lot of problems that everyone out there is ignoring. I'd love to talk about my favorite memory with him, but it involves him getting so stoned he couldn't remember we were dating and crying at the 7/11 because they didn't have a flavor of M&M’s I told him were discontinued.”

Zoe snorted and finally sat down next to Evan, which he pretended wasn't the huge relief that it was. Her standing over him like that was activating every fight or flight response he had. “The other week he ran out of nail polish remover and he actually came and asked me for some,” Zoe said quietly, a sad, but almost fond smile on her lips. “I know it seems insignificant and dumb, but it was really… good. It was super awkward because he was just talking to me while I looked for it. He asked me about jazz band even though we were still on summer break. I'd like to talk about that because this is supposed to be about remembering good times, but no one else would see that as a good time.”

Evan felt his smile turn from anxious to genuine as he looked at her. “I remember Connor talking about that. He actually wasn't out, he just couldn't think of anything else to say. He'd been planning it for weeks and when you opened the door, he panicked. He came to my house immediately after and he went on and on about it like it was the best thing ever. Unless you spent 10 minutes looking for nail polish remover, he probably talked about the conversation for twice as long as it lasted. He was so excited because it felt like a first step.”

“What?” Zoe stared at him with wide eyes. She looked simultaneously scared and hopeful. That was a look Evan had never seen on her, but knew well because of Connor. “First step to what?”

“Connor never hated you, you know,” Evan started, treading as carefully as he could. This was a dangerous topic and it could go south very quickly. “He had a lot of problems that he took out on you, and I'm not excusing that behavior, but you should know that he never hated you. He wanted to get better --  _ he was getting better _ \-- and the first thing he wanted to fix was his relationship with you. I won't say he thought you were the best person in the world or that you were the light of his life, but he didn't hate you and he didn't want you to hate him.” 

Zoe seemed incredibly small, curled into a ball and looking at Evan like he had all the answers. “Did you love my brother?” she asked in a soft voice. 

“Yes,” Evan said, not pausing for a moment to think. “At least, I loved him platonically. I mean, we'd been friends for a year, but I didn't start seeing him romantically until a few months ago. We only dated for two. I think I could have fallen in love with him, though.” Unbidden, memories of Connor flashed before his eyes. Connor laughing so hard he was wheezing. Connor stoned out of his mind but smiling at Evan like he was the most wonderful thing in the world. Connor furiously pacing back and forth across Evan’s room with his hands waving around while he ranted about whatever his father had done. Connor curled up and silent and determined not to cry, even though Evan told him he was allowed to. Connor bright and happy on good days. Connor angry and sad on bad days. Connor Connor Connor. He smiled. “Yeah. I definitely could have fallen in love with him.”

Zoe frowned again, looking like she was trying to solve a puzzle with no answer. “Oh.”

Evan but his lip for a moment before finally asking the question he'd wanted to ask for so long. “Did you hate my boyfriend?”

Zoe snapped her head up and set him with a look of wide-eyed panic. “I… I don't know.” She squeezed her eyes shut and took a deep, shuddering breath. “I think I wanted to. I  _ know  _ I want to hate him. And now he's dead and it turns out he was a great guy all along and he never hated me, so now I can't hate him without feeling guilty. I mean, who hates their brother who just killed himself because he was mentally ill. Isn't that like ableist or something?”

Evan sighed like he somehow knew he'd wind up having this conversation. “I know you had a lot of problems with Connor before he died, and I get that, I really do. I won't, like, get mad at you if you aren't bawling your eyes out over him or anything. He hurt you, even if he didn't really mean to, and you're allowed to be mad at him. You can even hate him if you want. I don't think he deserves for you to hate him, but you deserve to hate him, if that makes sense.”

Zoe looked incredibly fragile as she whispered out, “What do you mean?”

“I mean I don't believe Connor deserved for anyone to hate him, but you deserve the right to hate him,” he said as gently as he could. “Hatred is a two-way street and Connor's side may suck, but your side may be really therapeutic. I'm not about to invalidate your feelings towards a guy who abused you for years. It doesn't matter that he was my boyfriend or that he was mentally ill or that he didn't mean to. He hurt you and you're allowed to hate him.”

Zoe broke. Evan had been able to catalogue and categorize all of her expressions so far because they were so similar to Connor's, but he had never seen this. He had never seen that face screwed up with tears and sobbing at the injustices of the world. He secretly wondered if he had that maybe Connor would still be around. He didn't know what to do with this particular emotion, so he just did what his mom always did and wrapped her up in a hug and allowed her to cry her heart out. “It's not fair,” she stuttered out around gasping breaths. “Why did he pick you? What's so special about you? Why couldn't he have loved  _ me _ ?”

“I don't know,” he said, brushing her hair with his uncasted hand. “I don't- I just don't know.”

“I just want to know what I did.” She clenched his shirt tight in her fist. Neither cared that it would be wrinkled. “What did I do to make him treat me like that? What did I do to make him think I wouldn't care?”

“Hey, hey, no.” Evan pulled her out of the hug and held her at arm's length so he could look her in the eye. “You didn't do  _ anything.  _ Connor's behavior was because of his mental illness and there was no real rhyme or reason other than a chemical imbalance in his brain, okay?” When she gave him a shaky nod, he pulled her back into his chest. “Connor's actions were his own and none of it was your fault.” 

“Then why was he okay for you?”

“I don't know,” Evan said again. “It was just a perfect storm of our personalities meshing well along with meeting him when he was trying to start his own recovery. I didn't exactly do anything. We were just sat next to each other and wound up talking.”

Zoe sighed heavily and thunked her forehead down on Evan's chest a few times. At least she wasn't crying anymore. She took a deep breath and pulled back to give Evan a weak smile. “You wanna go steal some sausage rolls and talk about what kind of person Connor actually was?”

Evan beamed for the first time since he heard about Connor, then scrambled to his feet and offered Zoe a hand. “That would be great.”

_**Fin** _

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I said I probably wouldn't do any of these, but I have too many feelings about Zoe Murphy to not talk about it so here you go.


End file.
